When Succession returns on Oct. 17 for its highly anticipated third season, fans will no doubt be tuning in to find out what happened after Kendall’s bombshell press conference. But while the high-stakes plot is riveting and the performances are compelling, they’re hardly the only big draws the show has. Despite the fact that it’s a drama, Succession boasts some of the most hilarious insults on TV, whether they’re delightfully profane one-liners or the kind of jab that cuts its target to their core because it’s just so true.
We can’t wait to see what sort of abuse the Roy family will hurl at each other in Season 3, but in the meantime, we’re revisiting all our favorite digs from the first two seasons below. As Logan would say during Boar on the Floor, “eat up, piggies.”
55. “The Logan Roy School of Journalism. What’s next, the Jack the Ripper Women’s Health Clinic?” – Ewan to Logan
Season 2, Episode 8
Honestly, this analogy isn’t all that clever, but coming out of James Cromwell’s mouth it’s pretty effin’ great. — Danny Agnew
54. “Because my dad told me to.” – Kendall to himself after telling Lawrence why he’s scrapping Vaulter for parts
Season 2, Episode 2
After Kendall sabotages his own masterplan to usurp his father and take control of Waystar at the end of Season 1, he enters into a delicate, unbreakable contract that essentially requires him to do whatever Logan wants, when he wants. “My dad told me to” becomes a kind of twisted mantra throughout Season 2, and each time Kendall recites it, he’s committing one of the most pathetic acts of self-flagellation in the history of fiction. Kendall has been reduced to nothing more than a glassy-eyed, drug-addicted puppet, his dignity and personhood now the playthings of a brutal svengali who cares about nothing but the consolidation of his own power. — Walker Loetscher
53. “Actually, it’s quite good, your being the second-most important person at your wedding. Takes the pressure off.” – Caroline to Shiv
Season 1, Episode 9
After one of his many tantrums, Logan decides he won’t attend Shiv’s wedding, but after he realizes he has to in order to keep up public appearances (he can’t have anyone thinking he’s in poor health, after all), he turns up at the very last minute. Shiv’s mother Caroline seizes the opportunity to rub a little salt in the wound by smugly reminding her that Logan will usurp her as the most important person at her wedding. —Bonnie Stiernberg
52. “Here? Man, I’m so over it. I was a bad fit. I was never a corporate cock-suck anyway. Besides, I never made it this high in the fucking building! They stuck me in LA with Old Father Time right here. We were the pool boys, right, Frank? Fuckin’ banana cabana? – Roman to Kendall and Frank
Season 1, Episode 1
Roman’s intro in the series is pretty iconic. He sends a business alchemist to Kendall’s office in the middle of a tense moment, while Kendall and Frank try desperately to close the Vaulter deal. His greeting (“Hey, hey motherfuckers!”) perfectly embodies Roman’s relationship to the family business, and this exchange also perfectly embodies Roman’s disdain for “Old Father Time.” Like I said, iconic. — Emily Leibert
51. “Greg, this is not fucking Charles Dickens’ world, okay? You don’t go around talking about principles. We’re all trying to do the right thing, of course we are. But come on, man! Man the fuck up!” – Tom to Cousin Greg
Season 2, Episode 2
Tom is your classic victim-bully, paying forward all the harassment he receives from the principal Roys to poor, earnest Cousin Greg. Here, Greg expresses misgivings about the moral compass of his new employer, ATN. Tom responds with a few words of derisory motivation. You have scruples? Ah, how cute. — Walker Loetscher
50. “You disgusting little pig. You’re pathetic. You are a revolting little worm, aren’t you? You little slime puppy. You’re revolting, Roman.” – Gerri to Roman, over the phone, as he masturbates furiously
Season 2, Episode 4
We’re not actually sure that this qualifies as an insult since the scene depicts a consensual act of seduction. Then, Roman is a self-loathing deviant with a finicky libido, and it’s entirely plausible that he can only get off when someone is tormenting him. — Walker Loetscher
49. “I think I’m a little more aggressive. I think sometimes you just need a good old-fashioned dinosaur cull.” – Shiv on the Argestes panel
Season 2, Episode 6
So confident and pleased with herself is Shiv on the Argestes panel that she just can’t help taking a (barely) veiled shot at her old man that she then immediately walks back when she realizes she’s crossed the line. And if there were any doubt as to how insulted Logan actually was by the remark (later referred to by Shiv herself as “Dinosaurgate”), Roman catches a tooth-loosening backhand from the Roy patriarch when he makes the ill-advised decision to make light of it afterward. — Danny Agnew
48. “Have you ever had a fucking grapefruit without an agenda?” – Shiv to Marcia
Season 1, Episode 9
When Logan and Marcia arrive to Shiv’s rehearsal dinner the night before her wedding, Logan barely says a word to his daughter, but his wife handles it, calling her a “spoiled slut.” Shiv holds her own against her though, thanks to lines like this one. — Bonnie Stiernberg
47. “It’s dirty, it’s weird, and it’s evidence of precisely the kind of disgusting liberal metro butt-love that makes our viewership angry enough to buy pharmaceuticals.” – Roman to Shiv
Season 1, Episode 4
After Shiv’s client’s husband posts an image of his asshole on a site called Filthy Rich, Roman calls to let her know that it’s been leaked to ATN … and the station is running with it. This scene spotlights a sibling rivalry that, to normal people, would be career-ending or high stakes, but to Roman is simple child’s play. — Emily Leibert
46. “I’m doing park coke? Are you fucking kidding me? That is just perfect. I’ll be lucky if I have any fucking nostrils left after this. If my septum falls out, I’m gonna make you eat my septum.” – Kendall to Cousin Greg
Season 2, Episode 1
Sweet, innocent, starry-eyed Greg learns the family ropes more quickly than he’s given credit for, but not before getting delightfully dunked on by Logan, Tom, Roman and — here — Kendall. —Walker Loetscher
45. “No, Tom looks logical. Cruises, document destruction. I’m not saying that it should be — I mean, I’m saying that you’re like family, which is good, but also not … family, which is kinda good. Tom, it’s the elephant in the room, we can say that.” – Shiv to assembled yacht party, including Tom
Season 2, Episode 10
Not so much an actual insult as horribly, shockingly insulting — when Shiv casually suggests Tom’s as the most suitable skull for the shareholders’ spike, it’s almost too much to believe. Imagine getting thrown under the bus this hard by your fucking wife. — Danny Agnew
43. “You’re gonna give a double vote to a power-hungry maniac who will do fuck-knows-what with it because she’s got our dad’s dick in some Super Max pussy grip and she’s juicing him before he croaks?” – Kendall to Roman, as he decides to text his lawyer for advice on whether Marcia should receive two board votes in the event of Logan’s inability to act as CEO
Season 1, Episode 1
Super Max pussy grip. That’s it. That’s the tweet. — Emily Leibert
42. “Slippery cunt. Knife your boss? You’re a nasty bastard, aren’t you?” – Logan to Hugo
Season 2, Episode 10
Only from Logan Roy could an insult like this — delivered to Hugo when he suggests bundling Karolina into the shareholder “blood sacrifice” — come off like a statement of admiration. — Danny Agnew
41. “I don’t mean to make a big thing of this, but is it possible your father is the worst human being who ever lived?” – Gil to Shiv
Season 1, Episode 9
He’s no Hitler, but it’s definitely possible Logan is among the worst. — Bonnie Stiernberg
40. “We hire people who want to work here. And we serve a demographic of highly, highly intelligent viewers, who are really tired of being patronized elsewhere by latte-sipping douchebags with hundred-dollar haircuts.” – Cyd Peach to Tom, as he sips a latte with a close-cropped haircut
Season 2, Episode 2
With her gravel voice and leathery face, Cyd Peach is one of Succession’s most memorable minor characters, a grizzled veteran of cable news who takes shit from no one, and especially not Tom, whom she sees for exactly what he is: a doormat that wields no real authority within the walls of Wayco. — Walker Loetscher
39. “Oh yeah, and thank fuck for you I am — this stinks of stale pale male and you need an outsider to advise.” – Shiv to Kendall
Season 2, Episode 6
Upon being advised by Kendall that she’s “new to this” when attempting to mitigate the NY Mag story fallout, Shiv hits him with this brilliant bit of assonance that’s gotta sting twice as bad knowing that Kendall fancies himself the rapper of the family. — Danny Agnew
38. Kendall: “We need to control the narrative.” Roman: “‘Control the narrative.’ You probably yell that when you cum. ‘Oh, control the narrative! Oh, control it. Control the narrative!’”
Season 1, Episode 2
Logan makes Roman COO shortly before he has a stroke. When Roman tries to tell Kendall he’s still taking on the role at the hospital before Logan is conscious, things go awry, producing some gloriously crude Roman humor. The man can’t get through a scene without discussing drugs, sex, porn or whores. — Emily Leibert
37. “A lobotomy.” – Shiv to Connor, after he asks what it would take for her to run his presidential campaign
Season 2, Episode 3
This is probably the exact moment that Connor decided to disobey his family’s wishes and forge ahead with his presidential campaign. Worth it. — Walker Loetscher
36. “You couldn’t get a job in a burger joint let alone a Fortune 500 without some nepotism.” – Kendall to Roman
Season 1, Episode 10
Kendall isn’t exactly one to talk; all of the Roy children have clearly benefited from nepotism. But Roman, who is also unaware how much a gallon of milk costs, is perhaps the most egregious example. — Bonnie Stiernberg
35. “I’m going to lock you in a golden cage, fuck you with a silver dildo, and pay you so much you sing whatever song I want.” – Kendall returns one last time to try to acquire Vaulter, with a sweetened deal for $140 million
Season 1, Episode 1
A golden cage! A silver dildo! Honestly, Kendall should be a fiction writer with this imagery! — Emily Leibert
34. “But just think, yeah, once you’re done, you won’t have to waste the 12 seconds it takes to look up something on Wikipedia.” – Shiv to Mark Pierce, after hearing that he’s working on a second PhD
Season 2, Episode 5
Among the many bits of supercharged banter exchanged between the Roys and Pierces at Tern Haven comes this bon mot from Shiv, who outlines the Roy family’s regard for academia while knocking cousin Mark down a few pegs with fewer characters than it takes to tweet. — Walker Loetscher
33. “Oh god forbid I will miss the plaque, right? Your shiny … little … gravestone.” – Marcia to Logan
Season 2, Episode 8
Marcia is largely pretty taciturn and couches the lion’s share of her vitriol in quiet metaphor, but when she hits her breaking point with Logan upon hearing his decision to name Rhea as Waystar’s CEO without even giving her a heads up, she takes the gloves off and hits him as hard as she can right where she knows it will hurt the worst: on his bone-deep fear of obsolescence. — Danny Agnew
32. Roman: “I got a hobby.” Shiv: “Killing hobos isn’t a hobby.”
Season 1, Episode 5
On a disastrous family Thanksgiving at Logan’s, Shiv casually shitting on Roman’s attempts to be civilized is perhaps my favorite line of the entire episode. — Emily Leibert
31. Tom: “And I’m thankful that I am gonna be marrying into one of the most vital and interesting and … kind and loving families in the world.” Roman: “Are you not gonna be marrying Shiv anymore?”
Season 1, Episode 5
And, as expected, shortly later Roman fires back, acknowledging how truly fucked up the family dynamic is. — Emily Leibert
30. “Let the minutes reflect that Logan Roy was asked to recuse himself.” “Let the minutes reflect that Logan Roy shoved his boot up Frank’s ass.” – Logan to Frank
Season 1, Episode 6
Frank is left to stall and fend for himself during the board meeting in which Kendall calls for a vote of no-confidence against Logan after the younger Roy gets stuck in traffic, and as such, he’s forced to bear the brunt of Logan’s anger until Kendall arrives. This one’s not particularly witty, but it is perfectly delivered. — Bonnie Stiernberg
29. “Hey, you want some gel? Some Purell, for your hand? How long’s it been since you touched a prole?” – Shiv to Gil
Season 2, Episode 2
The more we get to know Gil Eavis, the more we realize that he is not the tireless, Bernie Sanders-esque man of the people he’s initially pegged as. Like the Roys, he’s just another charismatic oligarch on a power trip, and in Shiv’s final moments as his campaign chief, she tells him so in no uncertain terms. — Walker Loetscher
28. “The message would be, on behalf of the Pierce family, and the media organization that it’s privately owned for 150 years, the message would be a typically balanced, nuanced, and objective ‘fuck off.’” – Rhea to Logan and Kendall
Season 2, Episode 4
How to tell Logan that his company and life’s work is garbage without actually telling him that his company and life’s work is garbage. — Walker Loetscher
27. “What is it like to be married to a man with two assholes?” – Hugo to Shiv
Season 2, Episode 9
There’s a lot of dining out on Tom’s disastrous Congressional hearing performance, but Hugo wins for brevity and also for being the first to do it. — Danny Agnew
26. “Oh, a chapel. Do you think Dad will be able to cross the threshold, or will he spontaneously combust?” – Shiv
Season 1, Episode 7
Logan assembles his children at Connor’s ranch for a family therapy session, but the Roys soon discover it’s just a carefully orchestrated photo-op. One backdrop in said photo-op? An old chapel, which prompts Shiv to crack this joke about their dad being the devil. — Bonnie Stiernberg
25. “You’re a bunch of bloated dinosaurs who didn’t even notice the monkeys swinging by ‘til yesterday. Well, fuck you, daddy’s boy. I got a track record for founding one of the most exciting new media brands in the world. And what do you got? Track marks from shooting junk?” – Lawrence Yee, the head of Vaulter, to Kendall, who wants to buy the business
Season 1, Episode 1
There’s something so satisfying about watching Lawrence shit all over Kendall. In a sense, Lawrence takes on the audience’s perspective by acknowledging the ridiculousness of the family’s wealth and the tight grip that Logan has over his children. And, obviously, we all secretly want to call Kendall “daddy’s boy.” It’s an intoxicating moment that sets the scene for the power trip Kendall’s about to embark on. — Emily Leibert
24. “Look at you, scanning for influence like a yuppie Robocop.” – Roman to Kendall
Season 2, Episode 6
If there’s a Simile Hall of Fame somewhere, Roman is a first-ballot lock. — Danny Agnew
23. Shiv hugs Roman, then sniffs him: “Oh, what is that? Date Rape by Calvin Klein?” Roman: “Yeah, you wish.” Shiv: “…You wish??”
Season 1, Episode 1
Shiv and Roman’s banter is perhaps some of the best on the show, and the interactions that I most look forward to. No, seriously, I stop staring at my Instagram feed because the conversation is usually so captivating and belly-laugh-inspiring that it attracts the attention of my little bird brain. This non-PC joke bookended by a strange retort is spot on for these two siblings. — Emily Leibert
22. “He was a king once. Now look at him. Eating shit with feet of clay, a fucking neutered hound-dog. Elvis on the fucking toilet! Like, he doesn’t come back from this, right? He just walked around the New York Stock Exchange with his severed dick in his hand asking where was good for free soup. He just ate the big dog dick. Sucked that pooch bone dry!” – Roman on Kendall, after his TV appearance
Season 2, Episode 1
Every higher-up at Waystar and within the Roy family has a go at Kendall when he returns from his Logan-mandated dry-out at the beginning of Season 2, and naturally it’s Roman who buries the knife deepest with a barely intelligible screed that invokes Elvis Presley’s death, genital mutilation and canine fellatio. — Walker Loetscher
21. “Sometimes when you were absent they used to refer to you as the calamari cock ring.” – Frank to Kendall
Season 1, Episode 9
The rare insult where the response is almost as good as the initial remark. After Frank adds, “I’m not even sure what that means,” Kendall deadpans, “I think it means they think of me as a cock-ring … made out of calamari.” — Bonnie Stiernberg
20. “Aw, what’s wrong, you all wedgied up because Rhea stood on your back and worked your arms like an elliptical?” – Roman to Shiv
Season 2, Episode 8
Roman’s got a true gift for off-the-wall imagery, and he really goes for broke with it whenever he senses that Shiv is feeling vulnerable — like, say, directly in the aftermath of her betrayal by Rhea that she 100 percent should have seen coming (and knows it). — Danny Agnew
19.“So I’m guessing you two aren’t fucking much? You need to get home and figure this shit out. This is a sad state of affairs, my friend. This woman needs satisfaction that you are clearly not providing. Thanks for coming. Enjoy the park.” – Roman to a pair of amusement park guests who ask him for a photo while he is in costume as Dirk Turkey
Season 2, Episode 4
Roman’s first hour of management training among “real Americans” goes about as well as expected. — Walker Loetscher
18. “St. Francis of Assisi! You’ve brought me animals!” – Nan Pierce, to Frank, as the Logan clan arrives at her family’s home
Season 2, Episode 5
The entire Roy-Pierce shindig is laced with rapid-fire cutdowns and clapbacks, and Nan Pierce wastes no time landing the first blow before the Roys have even cleared their helicopter’s landing space. — Walker Loetscher
17. “Someone send a telegram to Ilona telling her she’s no longer required and my best to her cancer.” – Logan
Season 1, Episode 6
Ilona Shinoy is a board member who’s largely absent due to the fact that she’s currently battling cancer, but Kendall flies out to Long Island via helicopter at the last minute to convice her to vote yes on removing Logan. After the vote is unsuccessful and Logan retains power, he immediately fires every board member who voted against him — including poor Ilona, who dialed in to the meeting from her sickbed — and indicates he’s rooting for her cancer. — Bonnie Stiernberg
16. “Oooh nice vest, Wambsgans. It’s soooo puffy. What’s it stuffed with, your hopes and dreams?” – Roman to Tom
Season 2, Episode 6
Other people’s clothing items are a common target for Roman’s barbs, which would get tired quickly if a) he wasn’t so good at constructing the jokes, and b) he wasn’t so good at picking targets like Tom who will obviously dive into a well of self-doubt over it. — Danny Agnew
15. “She can’t hack the hate. Well, she can fuck off and enjoy her lily-white chicken flesh conscience working for a fucking phone company.” – Logan to Shiv
Season 2, Episode 9
The fact that a shred of integrity — as displayed by Rhea when she bows out of the Waystar CEO role — elicits this sort of venom from Logan kinda tells you all you need to know about the character. — Danny Agnew
14. “Ken did great. It was Tom who farted in his shit.” -Roman
Season 2, Episode 10
Right on the heels of an unexpectedly sincere compliment re: Kendall’s Congressional hearing performance, Roman hits Tom with this head-scratcher of a burn that basically makes no sense whatsoever and is honestly twice as hilarious for it. — Danny Agnew
13. Roman: He’s like a sex robot for Dad to fuck.
Shiv: He’s like an old beaten dog.
Roman: Well, he’s both of those things and also a piece of shit.
Shiv: You know, he’s a pathetic little fucking narcissist who repeatedly puts his own self-interest above everything else and then tries to justify it with half-assed appeals to the rigors of the fucking market.
Roman: You’re a fucking prick. – to Kendall, upon seeing him for the first time after his attempted takeover of Wayco
Season 2, Episode 1
In the Roy family, this is how niceties among siblings are exchanged after time apart. — Walker Loetscher
12. “Where do you buy your suits by the way, Tom? Like, maybe that’s why I’m just not moving as fast as you. I just don’t have that, like, boxy, corporate look. Right? I mean, I’m sorry, but, like, what the fuck? You look like a Transformer. Like, wh… what’s wrong with your body, man?” – Roman to Tom
Season 2, Episode 2
When we talked to the show’s costume designers earlier this week, they remarked on Tom’s inability to ever truly fit in with the Roy clan, and how that’s reflected in his clothing. “He’s awkward,” said assistant designer Jonathan Schwartz. “He doesn’t know where he fits in. There is no room for him in the room, if you think about it. Everybody has a seat at the table. They always have, and they know where they stand. He doesn’t. They didn’t want him. They don’t want him now.” And Roman and co. take every opportunity they can to remind him of that. — Walker Loetscher
11. “You’re a fucking creep. I mean you — you went for three jobs, you didn’t get any of them. Your vineyard was a write-off. And now your trophy girlfriend is sucking some waiter’s dick in Palermo, so now you’ve come crawling back, like a fucking worm.” – Logan to Frank, during Boar on the Floor
Season 2, Episode 3
Boar on the Floor — the bizarre, infamous hazing ritual conducted during a company hunting retreat in Hungary — may ultimately go down as the apotheosis of Logan Roy’s capacity for cruelty. The scene plays out as a kind of reverse-roast, with Logan dutifully giving each person in the room (with the exception of Kendall, notably) a turn on the dais as he excoriates their every flaw and weakness. Frank, who’s just returned to the fold after being canned in Season 1, gets one of the first jeerings. Logan’s message is clear: just because you’re back doesn’t mean you’re welcome. — Walker Loetscher
10. “Why don’t you pipe down till you come and tell me I’ve got a grandson coming? Hmm? Or are you shooting blanks?” – Logan to Tom, during Boar on the Floor
Season 2, Episode 3
Tom’s impotence in a metaphorical sense is probably his defining quality within the Roy family. Here, that metaphor is made material as Logan reminds him of the only reason why his presence in the room is tolerated. — Walker Loetscher
9. “Roman, you’re a moron.” – Logan to Roman, upon learning that he contacted Naomi Pierce, also during Boar on the Floor
Season 2, Episode 3
For all of Logan’s bluster and verbosity, the barbs that cut deepest tend to be the simplest. Hands draped over Kendall’s prodigal shoulders, he looks his youngest son in the eyes with disgust and calls him a moron. And Roman knows — we all know — that he means it. — Walker Loetscher
8. “I guess if you did have something deal-wise, it’s kinda like, dead in the water now, right? Kinda like the women who went on those cruises.” – Stewy to Kendall
Season 2, Episode 6
You just know that Stewy thought up this burn like 30 seconds after reading the NY Mag article and then waited all morning to drop it on Kendall. — Danny Agnew
7. “Romulus, when you laugh, please do it at the same volume as everyone else. We didn’t get you from a hyena farm.” – Logan to Roman, at the Pierce-Roy reunion
Season 2, Episode 5
Logan always saves his best Roman burns for a big audience. — Walker Loetscher
6. “Ooooh, but they’re not, in fact, receipts! Greg, you’re a criminal mastermind. What polyglot genius could ever hope to crack your impenetrable code?” – Tom to Greg
Season 2, Episode 7
To be fair, if you (see: Greg) keep highly sensitive, damning documents in your office in a manila folder labeled “receipts” (which, itself, is contained within another manila envelope labeled “secret”), you kinda deserve to be mocked for it. Bonus points for the use of “polyglot.” — Danny Agnew
5.“I’m just surprised you’re still standing. Any other man would have died from the shame. It’s hard to know which is more toxic: your news outlets or your cruise division. All those years blaming yourself for Rose. That really wasn’t your fault. This though, this is your fault. This empire of shit. Time to pay up.” – Ewan to Logan
Season 2, Episode 8
The animosity between the Brothers Roy is writ large in virtually every one of their interactions, but this gut-punch from Ewan in which he invokes the memory of their dead sister and then circles back to land on “empire of shit” might take the fratricidal cake. — Danny Agnew
4. “Forgive me, but are we talking to each other on the poop deck of a majestic schooner? Is the salty brine stinging my weather-beaten face? No? Then why the fuck are you wearing a pair of deck shoes now?” – Tom to Greg on his first day of work
Season 1, Episode 3
Ah, the poop deck of a majestic schooner. That is precisely the kind of place I’d love to spend some quality time with Cousin Greg and his deck shoes. Again, just another opportunity for Tom to punch down at the embarrassing Robin to his Batman. — Emily Leibert
3. “What have you had your entire life that I didn’t give you?” – Logan to Kendall
Season 1, Episode 10
This is one of those vicious Logan burns that’s so effective because you know it’s true. What can Kendall — or anyone, for that matter — possibly say in response? — Bonnie Stiernberg
2. “Uh … Oh, hello? Is this the replicant department? Yeah, my meat-puppet has stopped working.” –Shiv to Tom
Season 2, Episode 3
Though Shiv immediately tries to laugh this one off as a joke, it’s evident to the viewer — and on some level, Tom — that these are more or less the exact terms of their marriage. He’s a human shield that she wheels around in front of her wherever she goes, and sooner or later, it feels inevitable that she’s going to have to use it. — Walker Loetscher
1. “You’re not a killer.” -Logan to Kendall
Season 2, Episode 10
Perhaps meant as a barb, perhaps not — with Logan Roy it’s sometimes hard to tell. Regardless, this statement eviscerates Kendall, who it very much bears noting has just agreed to be the fall guy for Waystar’s history of corporate malfeasance. Little does Logan know (or does he know? A question for another article, to be sure) that he has just laid the proverbial straw that finally breaks the camel’s back, steeling his first—er, second-born son’s frayed nerves for the final press conference in which he will betray his father and family in fantastic fashion, laying the entirety of Waystar’s cruise scandal at Logan’s doorstep and setting up Season 3. Bring it on. — Danny Agnew
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