Contrary to the messaging embedded in decades worth of American pop culture, for many folks it is entirely possible to have too much sex — in one go, at least. Whether we go at it too hard, too fast, too long or all of the above, the friction of repeated thrusting, grinding and rubbing can eventually overcome the buffering of lubrication and start to irritate, or even create small tears in, thin and sensitive tissue. We might not feel this in the moment, because the happy-fun-time endorphins released during good sex are effective painkillers. But enough abrasion will leave our penises, rectums or vaginas chafed and sore for days on end. If the intense sex that left you raw was exactly what you wanted at the time, it’s easy to write this after-effect off as a small price to pay. But even a minor inconvenience is still just that: an inconvenience that you’ve got to address.
Unfortunately, few people learn how to handle this particular inconvenience while growing up. American sex ed, especially, is not set up to dive into this level of sexual detail and nuance. It’s not even easy to find definitive answers on how to cope with post-sex soreness on Google. So, we asked a few urologists — and a whole bunch of porn stars — how people should handle this particularly intimate brand of chafing. Mainstream porn sex is, after all, often rough: even shooting a 20-minute scene often takes at least a few hours of marathon sex, leaving adult performers particularly familiar with, and adept at handling, sexual abrasions.
These experts often argue that the best way to handle this sort of irritation is just to avoid it by making sure any sensitive tissue we touch during sex is highly lubricated. That almost always means using copious lube. Because while natural lubrication and relaxation can cut down on a lot of friction, not every vagina — and no anus — can self-lubricate, and even ample natural lube can only go so far. There is no firm equation for how much lube you should use for a particular type or intensity of sex, because every body’s tolerance for friction is different. But a good rule of thumb is to use way more than you think you need. It never hurts to get wetter and wilder.
According to urologist Ryan Terlecki, “The key is to use lubrication during sex even before you feel it’s necessary, to re-apply it during sexual activity as needed,” and to make sure that you use it to coat the entire penis, toy, finger or whatever else is doing the rubbing or penetrating, as well as both the outside and the inside of the anus or vagina being stimulated, for optimal protection.
“If something feels uncomfortable, stop,” adds Cherie DeVille, a porn star and licensed physical therapist. “Change positions. Add lube. Do more foreplay. Just never push through discomfort.”
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But even the most liberal lube users, like porn stars, who absolutely slather the stuff all over off camera and in between shoots, can’t always escape irritation. “You just can’t go at it for hours like we do without being a little sore the next day,” stresses adult performer Kayla Paris.
Lube itself can actually irritate some people, too, especially if it’s got a scent, flavor, or other additive in it that doesn’t gel with them. (The wrong condom can cause similar issues.) Accidentally rubbing spiky stubble, hard teeth, sharp nails, or any other rough bit up against soft erogenous tissue just for a few moments can cause irritation, no matter the lube situation, as well. So, chances are even the most conscientiously slippery sexual beings will have to deal with soreness now and then.
Trawl through online sexual advice forums and you’ll find numerous home remedies to sooth and heal soreness after sex. Common ideas include: Taking a warm Epsom salt or baking soda bath. Using a cold compress on the irritated area. Rubbing coconut oil into the area. Popping over-the-counter pain pills. And just giving your body a rest from sex, masturbation, and scented, textured, or any other potentially irritating product for a few days after a particularly rough or long romp. But it’s hard to know which of these remedies, often presented without any support or context, to trust—if you can trust any of them—or which of them might be the most effective.
Terlecki says that if you feel sore or notice any redness or rawness after sex, the best first step is always simply to “clean the area well with a gentle soap and pat it dry.” Adult performer Johnny Goodluck adds that this is a good opportunity to “assess the damage: If you have a clear tear or cut, keep it clean and protect it.” Genitals especially often heal pretty quickly, as they’re built for a little wear and tear and well supplied with blood flow. But it helps to avoid further irritation of a sore area, so wearing loose clothing and giving your raw bits a rest is always a good call. A bit of aloe vera or petroleum jelly will also help to keep chafed areas soothed and moist as they heal.
Most of the porn stars InsideHook spoke to for this article said they have a few additional tricks for dealing with post-sex soreness. But they were hesitant to actually share them publicly. “They might not be for you or your body,” explains performer Kendra Lee Ryan, “depending on what you are allergic or sensitive to, among other factors. Please that that into consideration.”
You may decide to experiment with random remedies to see if any offer you extra relief if you feel the burn of chafing especially acutely. Some may while others may not; we’re all built just a little different. But if you do test out random cures, Terlecki says you should just be sure “not to use anything with alcohol in it,” as that’s a surefire way to cause red and raw sensitive tissue a new world of pain. “It seems obvious,” he says. “But common sense is often a misnomer.”
With this advice in mind, you’ll likely be able to avoid most forms of irritation during sex—and quickly treat and heal from any abrasions you do incur. But it’s worth keeping in mind that not all redness and discomfort in our erogenous zones is caused by sexual chafing. Penile irritation may be the result of balanitis, for example, usually caused by the buildup of bacteria and sweat under uncircumcised foreskin. Or by eczema or psoriasis, common skin conditions. Or in some extremely rare cases, it may be a sign of penile cancer. Vaginal irritation can similarly stem from any number of infections and skin conditions. Several sexually transmitted infections can cause redness and soreness on almost any part of the body if they sink their hooks into as well.
DeVille suggests keeping a close eye on sore spots to watch for additional symptoms, like pain during urination, pus or other unusual forms of discharge, unusual odors, or open bleeding, that may point to alternative causes. Porn star Carmen Valentina adds that you should also note how long your soreness lasts; if it’s more than a few days, and you’ve been taking care of the area, something other than chafing might be at play. Since issues like STIs can cause major problems like chronic pain and infertility if left untreated, as soon as you notice any of these symptoms, or that your pains’ not abating, it’s time to see a doctor to figure out what’s going on and get treatment.
This advice may seem like a lot of fuss over a minor inconvenience. But as Goodluck points out, “You need your package for the rest of your life. So you’ve got to take care of it as best you can.”
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