Dear Mr. Sommer,
I truly believe you are one of the finest Rock and Roll writers in the world, and all my friends agree (except for Weezer, and perhaps Johnny Depp, who can’t remember if your story of his LSD usage is true or not). Out here in Seymour, Indiana where I live, I wait every day by the mailbox for my copy of RealClearLife and Inside Hook to arrive, and I never miss an issue. Sometimes I even climb that big water tower from the Jon Mellencamp video to watch the dust of the cornfields rise behind the postman’s truck as he drives across the fields.
So imagine when I saw a letter in your latest column addressed to me personally: To Rock Star (or, as my mother calls me: Rockford Star, teaching assistant in Political Science 101 at Seymour Community College, tenure provisional). My heart missed a beat and I felt like Belinda Carlisle on summer vacation!
You are so right when you say that I and the music-playing Rock Stars should get involved in the midterms to support the working man. I just never knew you were a die-hard Republican, since so few LA media types are!
Out here in Seymour, where the working men actually live, we love the President and his polices. Economic growth has doubled since he took office, unemployment is at a record low, African American unemployment is at a record low, Hispanic unemployment is at a record low, labor shortages are now breaking out, and wages are rising.
For the first time in ages, a President went to the mat for us in trade negotiations, even threatening tariffs to get more jobs back home at higher wages. And now, with this new US Marine Corps trade thingee all agreed and in place, we know his tactics are working.
Also, don’t you agree that the Dems have become absolute buzzkill these days? Who is less Motley Crue, and more Tipper Gore, than them! With their tut tut tutting, and their serious long faced pronouncements, and enough sanctimoniousness to circle Meatloaf twice.
Maybe this is what Kanye West meant when he said Trump has “dragon blood”. Maybe Kanye meant that the rebel, in your face, tell it like it is defiance that built Rock and Roll has now switched sides, and jumped from one political party to the other.
And isn’t Rock and Roll the ultimate defense against hypocrisy? Man, it was so funny to see Harvey Weinstein and Bill Clinton and fifty other similar guys chairing Democratic fundraisers and blowing air kisses to Madonna, right until Ronan Farrow dialed on Line One.
I was also getting pretty confused by all those protest speeches in favor of Appalachian mine workers by the same people calling for the shut down of Appalachian mines! Or songs and speeches in favor of freedom and civil rights, by people who won’t let little kids go to the school of their choice. And I think it was pretty funny that Trump’s giant tax bill last year actually RAISED taxes on all those East Coast and West Coast millionaires by taking away their state and local tax deductions.
So, again, things do feel pretty good for us out here in Seymour. I will be passing out handbills for Councilman James at the Safeway this Sunday after church, and I sure would like to get those guitar playing Rock Stars to come out and join me.
In all cases, I truly think you are a great writer and I hope you will allow me to write you back this way.
As the future Donald Trump memorial (to be located in Memphis, beside Graceland) will say: “Party On, Dude! Political Rock and Roll will never die!”
Sincerely,
Rockford A. Star
(Online) Doctor of Philosophy, 2017
Skip Barber School of Racing, accreditation pending
Rockford A. Star is a pen name for K.S. Bruce, which is a pen name for someone else (cf: Benjamin Franklin).
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