Your Vibrator Can Now Tell You When Your Food Delivery Arrives

Some of the best moments of my life have been spent waiting for a Seamless delivery, because the best moments in life are often less about getting the thing you want than the anticipation of getting that thing. This is the central paradox of human desire: once you get the thing you want, you can no longer want it, and its value depreciates inevitably and irrevocably. It’s why John Keats was so jealous of the lovers painted on the Grecian urn in that poem you were probably forced to read at some point in high school: perpetually unable to touch, the lovers are suspended in a permanent state of anticipation. They get to exist forever in that moment right before your food arrives; they’ll never have to deal with the comedown of a post-meal food coma or pretend to be satisfied with reheated remnants pulled from the refrigerator the next day.

In this way, waiting for a food delivery is a lot like sex, in that the anticipation of the sexual act — or at least of its climax — is often more pleasurable than the state of sexual fulfillment. This, I can only imagine, is what the creators of “Grubuzz” had in mind when they launched the new technology designed to connect a vibrator to one’s food delivery. New from adult camming platform CamSoda, the technology will allow users to plug a CamSoda-curated email address into their delivery app of choice. This will connect Grubuzz-compatible sex toys with the delivery, and the toys will vibrate with increasing frequency as your food delivery nears.

This raises many questions, such as, “Why?” and “Who would want this?” But as CamSoda Vice President Daryn Parker points out, masturbation and food delivery were two of the only joys many of us had during the past year of COVID. Combining them only seems natural.

“People have been stuck at home for over a year now. They have grown accustomed to ordering takeout food from their favorite restaurants regularly. Quarantine cravings are real and so too is the COVID-19 delivery food boom,” Parker said in a press release. “In addition to the rise in food delivery, there has been a spike in teledildonic usage. Here at CamSoda we figured we’d combine these popular activities and produce a technology that gets people off while their food delivery order is being prepared and ultimately delivered.”

So while it may seem like a bizarre, gimmicky stunt, the teledildonic union of masturbation and food delivery actually reflects a certain universality of human experience. Awaiting an orgasm and awaiting a food delivery represent similar states of anticipation, the buildup before the climax and inevitable comedown. It’s a protected space in which you get to momentarily wrap yourself up in the illusion that this time, there won’t be any comedown. This time, you’ll get to remain suspended forever in that moment of bliss. This time, you’ll get to have your Seamless order and eat it too. Keats would get it.