Everyone Wants to Be the New Mr. Kim Kardashian

Thanks to extensive media coverage dutifully documenting every last update, whisper and rumor surrounding Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kanye West, it kind of feels like these two have been getting divorced for years. And who knows, maybe they will be. Sometimes these things do take years, especially when there’s a lot of money and children involved. (For reference, see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who have now been in the process of divorcing for longer than they were married.)

Rumor has it, however, that certain doting suitors would like to see this lengthy divorce saga wrapped up sooner rather than later. Why? So they can swoop in and shoot their shot at becoming the new Mr. Kim Kardashian. A source told Page Six Kardashian has already attracted a slew of new admirers amid her ongoing divorce from West, making the soon-to-be three-time divorcée Hollywood’s “most eligible billionaire bachelorette.”

According to the source, Kardashian’s new fanbase includes “everyone from royal family members to A-list actors to athletes to billionaire CEOs” vying for the star’s hand and heart.

Like similarly in-demand businesswoman and heart-throb Martha Stewart, however, Kardashian has dutifully declined the bevy of advances, some of which are even rumored to have come via DM-slide. Unfortunately for Kardashian’s aspiring beaux, the star is simply “not looking for anyone right now,” according to Page Six.

This is understandable, considering she’s still in the middle of dissolving a seven-year marriage to an extremely famous and often volatile hip-hop star with whom she shares several children, which seems pretty stressful and time consuming.

However, it’s worth questioning whether Kardashian will ever again be “looking for anyone.” After three marriages, two extravagant weddings and kids, it’s hard to imagine what she could possibly seek in a future marriage. The rest of us normals have to get married for financial stability or maybe out of some obligation to conform to societal expectations, but why would a famous billionaire feel the need to enter into another messy legal contract?

Then again, getting married just for the sake of getting married is a right of the rich, famous and extravagantly bored — one that has tragically gone underutilized in recent decades. With a few exceptions, celebrities just don’t seem to rack up nuptials like they used to. Sure, most still manage to crank out two or three before their time in the spotlight is up, but rarely do you see Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa Zsa Gabor numbers (eight and nine, respectively) these days.

I say Kim Kardashian should bring back the Old Hollywood tradition of the celebrity serial bride. Sure, after three marriages, a gaggle of children and a billion dollars, there doesn’t really seem to be any real point in marrying again, but there’s also no reason not to. If I were her, I’d probably just keep getting married and aim for a more elaborate wedding every time. She could even make a return to her reality TV roots with “Billionaire Bachelorette,” a Bachelor-franchise spin-off in which Kim is the bachelorette every season, picking out a brand new husband and finalizing the divorce in time for next season’s premiere.

Anyway, best of luck to Kim’s eager suitors, may one of them soon claim the coveted title of the new Mr. Kim Kardashian.