What To Do This Weekend In NYC July 29-31

Welcome to Weekend Warrior, your comprehensive weekend agenda.

Had enough of politics for the time being? After sitting through two marathon conventions, we could definitely use a breather.

To wit: getting out on the water (just wait till you see the ingenious canoe we found), wooing a beautiful woman (with some advice from one we love) and attempting to make something we like to call the bacon bourbon bagel burger.

OK, and maybe picking up one of these babies in case the election goes the wrong way and we need to bug out.

But first, a little distraction.

FRIDAY

5:00 P.M.
Punch out. If you ignored your civic duties over the past two weeks and tuned out the convention coverage, The Ringer’s Keeping It 1600 Podcast has done a great job summing things up. Rip a few episodes for your commute.

5:01 P.M.
Scratch that. Before you leave, watch this video of an awesome dad pulling an awesome-but-also-really-touching birthday prank on his kid.

6:00 P.M.
More election fire and brimstone, you say? Great. IBM just launched a “mood dashboard for the political internet” that rates news sources based on their tone and POV.

6:02 P.M.
Frightened for the future? A personal surveillance drone should make you feel better.

7:00 P.M.
Time to figure out where we’re headed tonight. Download DidIt to make your life easy. It’s basically a Summer Bucket List aggregator.

8:00 P.M.
OK, but where are the ladies at? Once you know where you’re going, check the fella-to-filly ratio. This new dating app does exactly that. Just be sure to avoid the no. 1 mistake online daters make before you dig in.

9:00 P.M.
Put on cologne, assemble squad and find said ladies.

12:45 A.M.
Brush teeth. This smart brush will tell you if you’re doing it wrong.

1:00 A.M.
Your night is done. Pull back the sheets (hopefully these ones, made specially just for men, and drift into slumber with the fluttery new Sleigh Bells track.

SATURDAY

7:00 A.M.
Drink coffee. We like it nitro. Pair it with new Descendents record — an album, or really, a band, truly dedicated to the art of caffeine buzz.

10:00 A.M.
Your (late) summer read: The guy who wrote Wayward Pines has a new, Michael Crichton-esque thriller about fatherhood, quantum physics and alternate worlds.

11:00 A.M.
Get outside; it’s T-shirt weather. For inspiration, pore over 132 of the best tees in movie history. You’re also gonna need sunglasses. Head to the Upper East Side. Barton Perreira’s new shop will serve all your sunnies needs.

11:01 A.M.
Oh, right. You need something to do outside. Given the heat, we recommend getting on a boat. Don’t have one? Try this origami folding canoe for two. Just be careful out there: a mysterious brain-eating amoeba is currently on the loose in some of our country’s best whitewater playgrounds.

2:00 P.M.
Return from your waterward adventure amped for more. Impulsively buy some of the ridiculously lightweight and tech-savvy gear we recently found at Europe’s biggest backcountry bazaar. Vow to someday conquer Everest … just make sure it’s someday soon, because the Nepalese government is about to establish a new age limit for potential summiters.

4:00 P.M.
Apply for a new job … as the Smithsonian Institute’s resident craft beer expert.

7:00 P.M.
Get ready for that date you’re going on with that totally stunning and fascinating person you met last night via your new dating app (HA!). Don’t know what to wear/where to go/what to talk about? No sweat. Up-and-coming model/music producer Eva Shaw has some words of advice on all the above.

8:30 P.M.
Kick things off by heading to summer newcomer Coco & Cru for some Australian eats and a heat-wave-friendly cocktail list that includes fresh-pressed pineapple juice spiked with fernet.

10 P.M.
Let the libations continue. Hit up the East Village’s new hospital-themed hotspot, Sanatorium. She’ll be impressed because you need an appointment and a password to get in. So you best have one.

SUNDAY

5:00 A.M.
Insomnia strikes. “I wonder what bikini models would look like as Impressionist paintings?” you wonder. Here’s the answer.

8:00 A.M.
Do yourself some good and brew up a little detox with House of Matcha’s tea sets, as created by top trainer Stephen Cheuk, the founder of NY’s S10 training.

10:00 A.M.
Take car to shop because the damn keyless entry function stopped working. Or, better yet: get rid of your car and trade it in for a restored classic, because classics go to the shop far less frequently than the teched-out cars we’re driving nowadays.

12:00 P.M.
Blast. It’s been raining on and off all weekend now. But it stopped. An excellent time to take advantage of New York’s myriad free kayaking adventures. But wait, it looks like it’s going to start raining again. So head over to the Brooklyn Museum to take in Tom Sachs’s Boombox Retrospective, which ends soon.

2:00 P.M.
Fire up the grill. Attempt to make this you-don’t-want-to-know-the-calorie-count “bourbon bacon bagel burger.” Enjoy it — soon you’ll be eating lab-made burgers that bleed, like the one currently being served at New York hotspot Momofuku Nishi.

6:10 P.M.
You’re not at Lollapalooza? Eh, you can stream it — M83 is up now.

8:00 P.M.
You say the heat has turned your brain to mush? Perfect! You’re primed for Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (oh, hello, Gary Busey).

11:00 P.M.
Tuck in early. You’ve got a big week ahead of you.

11:10 P.M.
Get woken up by a spammer blowing up your mobile phone. Remember the days when your cell was safe from this?! Google does. That’s why they just launched a new technology that protects you from it.