Carrie and Big Have Never Talked About Masturbation?

As a devoted Sex and the City fan who watched the series deteriorate into the unwatchable fever dream that was 2010’s Sex and the City 2, I was fully prepared for HBO’s ill-advised 2021 reboot, And Just Like That…, to be bad. I was not, however, expecting literally every moment to be quite so utterly infuriating.

After attempting to delay the inevitable disappointment for as long as possible, I finally bit the bullet and caught up on the series — which just aired its sixth episode — over the holidays. But unlike a disapproving parent trying to make a point, I wasn’t disappointed; I was just mad. From Carrie’s failure to dial 911 upon discovering her dying but still alive (!!!) husband collapsed on the bathroom floor to Miranda’s spectacularly cringeworthy attempts to interact with a Black person, practically every second of the first episode was unwatchable, to the extent that on multiple occasions throughout those torturous first 45 minutes I found myself considering shutting the whole thing down and just pretending this “new chapter of Sex and the City” doesn’t exist, which it shouldn’t.

But while much has already been written about Carrie’s inexplicable failure to act, Miranda’s desperation to seem “woke” and the show’s overall heavy-handedness, there was one scene from the first episode I found particularly confounding that seems to have gone largely unnoticed: Carrie and Big’s squeamishness about masturbation.

Asked about her own masturbatory habits during an appearance on the podcast that, much like her weekly column in the original series, somehow seems to be Carrie’s only job, an obviously flustered Carrie giggles uncomfortably and stammers out a contextually irrelevant quip about “buying another vowel” before ultimately dancing around the question by comparing public masturbation to shopping at Barney’s.

As frustrating as it is to watch a supposedly sex-positive icon of the Manhattan social scene giggle like a schoolgirl at the mention of masturbation, I will at least give the show props for not letting Carrie get away with it this time. One of the many things the original series has been called out for in recent years is the fact that its purportedly cosmopolitan, sexually liberated female leads are routinely confused and offended by a wide variety of relatively tame sexual identities and behaviors, including but not limited to: bisexuality (which Carrie infamously referred to as “a stop on the way to gay town” in a Season 3 episode), rimming, kissing after oral sex and pretty much any kink whatsoever (see: the time Carrie publicly kink-shamed her politician boyfriend for being into golden showers). At least this time the show acknowledges that Carrie’s unwillingness to discuss masturbation — a conversation topic she calls “pretty raunchy” — isn’t necessarily on par with what we might expect from a supposedly progressive sex columnist turned podcaster.

It gets worse, though.

After her boss tells Carrie she needs to “step her pussy up” because whatever the fuck that little display was is obviously not going to fly on a sex podcast, Carrie decides to break out of her comfort zone by going home and asking her (then still alive) husband if he masturbates. Record scratch, please.

It’s one thing to feel uncomfortable talking about masturbation in public on a podcast, but it’s quite another to be uncomfortable talking about it with your own longterm sex partner. First of all, if you have to ask if your partner masturbates, the answer is yes, Carrie. But Big also shies away from the topic, calling it a “trick question” and returning to his newspaper.

“Well, do you?” Carrie persists.

“Do you?” Big volleys back, like he and his wife are two middle school girls at a sleepover.

I’m sorry, but are we really supposed to believe that these married, cosmopolitan Manhattanites have never discussed masturbation? Assuming the timeline of the Sex and the City universe roughly corresponds with our own (which we are led to believe it does), Carrie and Big have been married for around 12 to 13 years at this point, and have been romantically involved for more than 20. In all that time, these two people, one of whom literally makes a living writing about sex, have never once talked about masturbation? Have never incorporated it into their partnered sex life? Don’t even know for sure if the other person does it?

As a sex writing New Yorker myself — who, according to my boyfriend’s recollection, brought up masturbation no later than our second date — I simply refuse to accept this revelation as Sex and the City canon. Still, while this lack of transparency between two partners in a supposedly active sexual relationship may not be believable for Carrie and Big, it turns out it might not be totally unrealistic for couples in less open relationships and less progressive parts of the country.

As international sex educator Kenneth Play commented in a press release following the premiere of the series:

“The stigma of masturbation is still prevelant outside of cities and sex-positive epicenters. While it was unbelievable to see a NYC-based sex writer shy away from it, we need to remember that while the show is based in NYC, it’s written for a national audience. While the sex positive movement has pushed inclusivity and enthusiastic consent forward, we’re still cumulatively decades away from folks feeling no shame for their desires.”

I certainly don’t want to shame anyone who hasn’t openly discussed masturbation with their partner(s), and I can understand that masturbation may be an uncomfortable topic for some people, even some people who are fucking each other. I don’t think you have to share all the most intimate details of stuff you do alone with your partner to have a healthy relationship. For example, I, personally, have never much been one for scatalogical conversation, and have never craved or felt any lack of the intimacy some couples seem to find in laughing about farts or sharing their bathroom habits.

Still, whether or not you consider it part of your partnered sex life, masturbation is a major part of your sexuality, one that you should feel comfortable sharing with a sex partner — especially a longterm one. I’m not saying you should feel obligated to share every detail of your masturbatory habits and fantasies with your partner — whether partnered or single, we are all entitled to our own private sex life with ourselves — but talking about masturbation with a partner can be an important way of learning more about their sexual habits, fantasies and turn-ons, as well as exploring your own. Moreover, being able to talk about something that may seem uncomfortable or taboo is a good sign that you and your partner are solid communicators who will be able to discuss other potentially difficult but necessary topics about your sex life — or just life, writ large — when they arise.

As Play noted, shame and stigma surrounding masturbation is still shockingly prevalent, and it’s not your fault if it’s crept into your relationship. Still, I would encourage partners who may have been able to relate to Carrie and Big in that scene to consider opening up about the topic. You don’t have to give your partner a heads up every time you’re off to rub one out, but being able to talk openly about something as normal, natural and important as masturbation without giggling like a couple of schoolgirls seems like a pretty crucial part of a healthy sex life to me.