After a few years of drinking, you learn of one of two things: how to do it in moderation, or how to deal with hangovers. For those of us who have chosen the latter path, there are a wide variety of hacks and home remedies people swear by, and most of us eventually land on a go-to hangover healing routine. For some, a little Tylenol and a lot of water will do the trick. Others lean on caffeine or a carby breakfast. The more dedicated drinkers among us don’t see the harm in a little hair of the dog, and the exact opposite kind of person might prefer to sweat it out at the gym.
But what if there was a hangover cure that didn’t involve running to the store for a bagel and Gatorade, hauling your hungover body to the gym, or even getting out of bed at all? What if the key to curing your hangovers was in your own two hands?
According to some Redditors, masturbating is the hands-on hangover hack the rest of us are sleeping on. While some report modest results, claiming a hungover masturbation session can help reduce hangover symptoms by about 25 percent, others swear by the hack, with one even going as far as to hail “laying in bed and wanking myself silly” an “essential hangover cure.”
It’s far from the craziest hangover hack on the internet, where people can be found vouching for the hangover-healing virtues of everything from breakfast spaghetti to a morning hit of Dr. Pepper and milk. After all, despite years of bad press from the Catholic Church, we now know that masturbation is actually good for you, both physically and mentally. So if you can masturbate your way to better mental health, why wouldn’t you be able to jerk yourself out of a hangover?
According to Dr. Ashley Winter, a board-certified urologist and co-host of sex, health and dating podcast The Full Release, there may be some truth to the idea.
“Ultimately, there are physical benefits from sexual activity, whether you have sex with a partner or sex with your hand,” Winter tells InsideHook. “Studies indicate that sexual activity is associated with release of stimulatory neurochemicals such as dopamine and norepinephrine, release of oxytocin and vasopressin — which have been associated with pain-relieving effects — and activation of brain opioid and endocannabinoid receptors,” creating what we might call a natural high. “Release of these neurochemicals can contribute to relief of typical symptoms one might have during a hangover.”
That said, while these factors may lead to “temporary abatement of hangover symptoms,” Winter adds that the hangover itself is not “definitively ‘cured’ by the process of arousal and orgasm.” For that, you’re probably still going to need the good old combination of water and time.
Still, rubbing one out while hungover isn’t doing any harm, and Winter suggests that post-orgasm boost “might be just enough to get someone through the last hour or hours of a hangover.” If nothing else, getting off might function as a handy distraction from your less than optimal state of body and mind. After all, adds Winter, “the role of cognitive redirecting to improve pain is well established — even if the distraction is not sexual.”
However, while masturbating may help some get over the hangover hump, others may find their hangover simply puts a damper on the masturbatory experience. As one Redditor put it, “Masturbating doesn’t cure hangovers; hangovers ruin masturbating.”
“Ultimately, everyone is different, and the ‘benefit’ of sex or masturbation during a hangover may not be the same for you and your friend,” says Winter. “Also, the severity of the hangover has to be factored in,” she adds. If you’re actively vomiting, your entire body aches and you’re wondering how much longer you have to live, masturbating probably isn’t going to go so well. “If you just have a headache and light nausea, however, the self-love may actually have a chance to do its magic,” says Winter.
Ultimately, masturbating isn’t some kind of magic cure that will wipe away the consequences of over-indulgence. Whether you do it with toys, a partner or your own hand, getting off isn’t going to rehydrate you, balance your electrolytes or turn you into the kind of person who can drink in moderation. Still, it can’t do any harm, and it might even do some good. So next time you’re feeling under the weather due to your own poor choices, go ahead and rub one out, doctor’s orders.
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