In relationships, as in life, there are usually some tell-tale signs to let you know when you’ve fucked up.
A text that says “K,” a text that begins “I actually just find it funny that…”, your S.O. changing their profile picture from a photo of the two of you to a photo of just them (looking exceptionally attractive), and finding yourself on this, the 14th day of February, desperately scouring the aisles of Duane Reade for a last-minute Valentine’s Day gift are all fairly reliable signs you’ve fucked up.
Fortunately, if you’ve found yourself in the latter situation, we can help. In case you somehow missed each and every one of our multiple, carefully curated Valentine’s Day gift guides, we’ve put together this largely ironic but potentially still helpful list of eleventh-hour Valentine’s Day gifts you can literally pick up on your way home tonight.
Some good, some bad, some Barry White’s Greatest Hits (Vol. 1 and 4), one of these suggestions may just save your relationship — and/or unnecessarily postpone its inevitable demise, needlessly prolonging both your suffering. Either way, consider it our last-minute Valentine’s Day gift to you.
20. A teddy bear
19. A discontinued Beanie Baby you stole from your little brother’s bedroom and tried to pass off as a new purchase
True horror story from high school Valentines of yore
18. A fancy steak you have to cook because you made no other plans
Wait: do you know how to cook?
17. Condoms, lube & a drug store vibrator
16. A pizza
Arrange the pepperoni in a heart or something idk
15. A Starbucks gift card
You can send them an e-gift card right now
14. Poo-pourri
A gift for you both
13. Face masks
Something you can purchase at a drug store if you are too lazy to go to Sephora
12. Candles
Drug store candle selections are criminally underrated
11. A tattoo of the person’s name on your body
A gift that lasts a lifetime
10. Jewelry
You can walk into literally any department store and find something passable
9. Barry White’s Greatest Hits Vol. 1 and 4
??
8. Literally any kind of chocolate
That M&M you found between the car seats? Counts.
7. Plan B
For real though
6. Perfume/fragrance
5. Two-dozen roses from Whole Foods
Which can be yours for the low price of $20
4. A last-minute non-gift where you pretend to have planned something big for an upcoming weekend but haven’t actually done anything
Assuming you can’t still book a last-minute hotel room.
3. A staycation at a hotel for the night
Assuming you can still book a last-minute hotel room
2. A nice bottle of wine or champagne
Whatever “nice” means to you
1. An e-gift card to a spa
Mynd has multiple locations throughout the country
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