So you and your partner want to have a threesome. Congrats! Sounds like you two are an evolved, open-minded couple with a healthy sex life who have done the work to ensure you’re both ready for the mental, emotional and physical impact of welcoming another person into your bedroom. (And if you haven’t, please go do that; I recommend starting here.)
Now all you have to do is find a third. Just kidding; that’s the hardest part. I don’t mean to scare anyone off their (certainly very attainable!) ménage à trois fantasy, but if you haven’t started looking for a third yet, I’m just warning you there’s a good chance you’ve got your work cut out for you. Contrary to what you may have seen in porn, gorgeous gorgeous girls aren’t regularly in the habit of simply falling into bed with couples. In fact, people interested in having sex with established couples are so notoriously hard to find they are actually referred to as “unicorns” — as in, creatures so rare and beautiful they may as well be mythical.
To be clear, they do actually exist, but they can be pretty hard to find, especially for beginners and/or those who aren’t active in sex-positive or consensually non-monogamous communities. Even in the age of dating apps — including more than a few niche platforms specifically designed for kinky folks seeking specific kinds of non-traditional interactions — finding a third can be a difficult and intimidating process.
“‘Where do we find a third?’ Is one of the most common questions couples have when they’re exploring the idea of a threesome,” says Stella Harris, intimacy coach and author of The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes. “And getting on dating apps or going to sex clubs is often a can of worms they don’t want to open if they’re not looking for ongoing connections.”
Fortunately, there is another way: You could hire a professional.
I realize this isn’t a viable option for everyone. For one thing, professionals are pricey, which means hiring a third may not be financially feasible for everyone. Then, of course, there are legal concerns to take into account, which — regardless of your personal views on the legal status of sex work — do unfortunately represent a legitimate factor that needs to be considered.
If, however, you have the financial means to splurge on a pro and are otherwise open to the idea, hiring a professional for a threesome — especially your first threesome — can be a great option for couples on a variety of fronts.
For one thing, it’s easier. Obviously not all sex workers entertain couples, but many of them do, and they’re a lot less difficult to find than unicorns in the wild. But beyond the pure convenience, there are many more reasons sex workers make a great third, especially for first-timers.
Clear, communicable boundaries, guaranteed
“Hiring a professional can be a great idea because the interaction comes with clear and explicit boundaries,” says Harris. “The pro is there for the threesome, and then you never have to see them again — which for some people can feel emotionally safer.”
When hunting for a third in the wild, on the other hand, there are a number of variables that may come into play. This third person might be seeking something different, or something more, than what you can offer as a couple. They may be looking for an ongoing relationship, sexual or otherwise, which may not be what you, as a couple, are seeking.
“There is a common fear that finding someone through a dating app, or through sex positive communities, might lead to emotional or logistical entanglements [couples] don’t want to deal with,” says Harris, adding that this is actually a productive concern for a couple to have and consider when seeking a third. “When you’re meeting a third in the wild, they’re coming to the experience with their own wants, needs and desires that need to be given as much weight as those of the couple. And one of those desires may well be for emotional or ongoing connection.”
If that’s not your jam — which is true of the many, many couples for whom occasional sex with a third is the extent of their non-monogamous activity — the explicit boundaries sex with a professional provide can eliminate any uncomfortable or otherwise unwanted emotional entanglements.
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You can tell a pro exactly what you want
A professional has heard it all, so if there’s a particular sex act or position you’ve been dreaming of, or a certain boundary you don’t want crossed, you can discuss all of that in direct terms (respectfully, of course) before you decide to pay for their services.
“People often find explicit discussions of sex to be a bit difficult, so the knowledge that you are dealing with a ‘professional’ in that area, and someone who is much less likely to openly judge you, can make interactions a bit easier,” says Ryan Scoats, Ph.D., a sociologist at Coventry University who specializes in the study of gender, sexuality and sexual behaviour (threesomes and group sex, in particular).
In a perfect world, of course, we’d all be able to share our desires and boundaries openly and without shame with all of our sexual partners, but obviously that’s not the reality for all people 100 percent of the time. Knowing that you’re dealing with a professional, however, might help alleviate any lingering fear or anxiety you have about sharing your fantasies with a new partner, making it easier to “cut straight to the chase in terms of discussing what you are looking for with someone who is open to discussing these things,” says Scoats.
This does not, in any way, shape or form, mean that a sex worker is your personal sex genie whose job is to fulfill your every threesome whim. But you can (and should) discuss what you’re looking for upfront with a professional ahead of time. Of course, as is the case with anyone involved in any sexual situation, a hired third can rescind their consent at any given time, even if it’s something to which they’ve previously agreed. The point is, many people may find it easier to initiate those first conversations with a professional than, say, a potential third they’re trying to woo on a dating app.
A pro can help alleviate jealousy or other anxieties
While there is certainly a valid argument to be made that a couple who chooses to employ the services of a professional in a deliberate attempt to avoid jealousy might be one that is not in a sufficiently stable and trusting relationship to be a good candidate for a threesome, it makes sense that bringing in a professional as your third may be less envy-provoking than hooking up with a non sex worker.
Again, as Harris put it, boundaries are clear with a sex worker: they are there for a one-off transaction, thus eliminating any nagging concerns about one or both of you “falling for” your third or continuing a relationship with them.
“For some, the fact that the sex is more transactional may take away some of the fears and/or jealousy that one of the couple might run off with the third person joining them,” says Scoats. “We don’t tend to think (or like to think) of sex as being ‘transactional,’ and so it may be this alternative framing of the situation makes people feel differently and have more power in the given situation.”
“A professional still needs to be treated with kindness and respect — but there’s a clear understanding that the threesome is a one-off transaction that won’t lead to an ongoing relationship,” says Harris.
Of course, that’s not to say having a threesome with a sex worker grants any party automatic immunity to jealousy. As Mark Hay previously wrote for InsideHook, jealousy in threesomes comes in many forms, and isn’t always about worrying your partner is going to leave you for your third. Moreover, if you’re a couple that hasn’t thoroughly worked through any jealousy issues you may have, attempting to use a professional as some kind of jealousy vaccine probably isn’t going to be particularly effective. Moreover, it can create a toxic or unfriendly environment for your third.
“Hiring a professional isn’t a way around being ready for a threesome. A sex worker is still a person.They need to be treated with respect, and shouldn’t be subjected to awkward or even hostile situations because the couple hasn’t done their own work before involving someone else in their sex life,” says Harris. “Like any threesome, you should make sure you’re ready before involving someone else. Hiring a pro can be easier for a variety of reasons, but it won’t prevent you from feeling jealousy or other strong emotions.”
Still, you never know how you’re going to feel in a given situation — especially a sexual one — until you’re in it. Even if you’ve never been a jealous person, unfamiliar feelings might just crop up unexpectedly when you see your partner with someone else for the first time. A pro can’t grant you immunity from jealousy, but the specific nature of their presence in your sex life may help alleviate any surprisingly negative feelings that happen to creep up.
Someone should know what they’re doing
Listen, we all like to think we’re great in bed — and that’s certainly an attainable goal! But no one is great at any given sex act the first time they try it. Threesomes aren’t hard, and in the best-case scenario, you all just magically vibe and get caught up in the moment and everything flows from there. This certainly can happen, but life isn’t porn. And like trying to make plans with a group of friends, the more people that are present in a given sexual encounter, the more difficult it is to get everyone on the same page. If you and your partner are both new to threesomes, at least one of you should know what you’re doing. Enter your hired third, a professional who can help guide you through your first threesome, alleviating any awkwardness, breaking the ice and otherwise smoothing over any bumps in the road or flubbed choreography.
As I’ve previously written, a pro is a pro for a reason. They’re an expert in their field who is qualified to provide an exceptional level of service. As in any other aspect of life, sometimes it’s worth hiring a trained professional to help you do the things you’re just not quite experienced enough to DIY.
“Having an expert in the room can be a huge help for beginners who may feel awkward or uncertain,” says Harris. “They can help guide negotiations as well as help break the ice when it’s time to go further.”
None of this is to suggest that a sex worker is in any way less “real” — or less deserving of respect, consent, communication and, of course, a good time — than a third you may find through other means. A sex worker you’ve invited to join you and your partner in bed is not a new sex toy you ordered from Amazon; they’re a real, living, breathing person with needs and desires of their own. But they are an experienced professional who is there to perform a service they are well-qualified to deliver, and sometimes, a professional touch is exactly what you need. Your first threesome is probably one of those times.
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