The Geezer’s Guide to Coachella

Coachella, that sonic hurly-burly of bare limbs and short shorts, begins this weekend. And while it is a young man’s game — long hours, hot sun, the hell’s an Addatap? — there are ways, wizened sir, that we elder statesman can enjoy the festivities with a modicum of comfort. Hence this, the Geezer’s Guide to Coachella, a checklist of everything a grown-ass man needs to survive in the desert.

Before you go

1. Book a post-’Chella visit from The Cure or IV Doctor, two local outfits that’ll make house calls with intravenous hangover cures.
   
2. Download Coachella’s app, which activates your bracelet, updates you on sandstorms and keeps track of who you want to see and what time and stage they’re playing on.
   
3. Download OpenTable, an app that lets you snag tables and pay for sit-down restaurants (e.g., Pok Pok) in the VIP sections (more below).

The clothes to wear

Visit STAG Provisions on Abbot Kinney in Venice. It’s your one-stop-shop. Here’s what to grab:

1. Bandanas for sandstorms and sweat
2. Save Khaki shorts and a short-sleeve fleece
3. A Faherty indigo T-shirt so dark it shows no stains
4. A hat that provides equal parts shade and style
5. Garrett Leight’s anti-reflective sunnies — they keep off the glare and allow you to ogle on the sly
6. Herschel Supply Co’s backpack is simple, soft and lightweight. Not too pricy, so it’s cool to dust it up a bit.

What to Put in Your Backpack

1. Wet Wipes, Imodium and Aspirin
   
2. Edibles. Kiva Confections makes these dark chocolate espresso beans laced with five milligrams of THC, making them easy to regulate. They’re delicious and come in a handy tin.
   
3. Vaporizer. The new PAX 2 is slimmer than its predecessor and has a longer battery life.
   
4. Sunblock. Jack Black Sun Guard is non-greasy and hits that broad spectrum so you’re covered on the UV/UVA ray front.
   
5. A warmer layer for the evening (see above)

What and Where to Eat

‘Chella now hosts every major LA chef, from Chris Morningstar to Chris Oh. Their restaurants are in the Outstanding in the Field and VIP sections and some strongly encourage (or require) reservations. But if you’re looking for something quick beyond another Sumo Dog, here are our picks:

• The Rose Garden
• KazuNori Handrolls are healthy and delicious and won’t weigh you down
• Guerilla Tacos:L.A. chef Wes Avila makes tacos with top-notch seasonal ingredients
• Because you can’t drink beer all day, sip on cocktails from the Cana Rum Bar/Seven Grand crew
  
• The Main VIP
• For something substantial, Free Range does a mean bird
• For something healthier, Sweetfin Poke offers an array of fish over bamboo rice or kelp-cucumber slaw. Vegan and veg options as well. 

The Acts to See

Anderson .Paak, Grimes, LCD Soundsystem and Unknown Mortal Orchestra. Some big names this year.