Flowchart: Should I buy an Apple Watch?

The Apple Watch goes on pre-sale tomorrow, and with that pre-sale, questions: Does it justify the smartwatch? Will it engineer a reverse state of being? Hasten the singularity? Get you laid? Who knows. But we’re here to help with your first-world quandaries.

 Your key

1. Don’t buy the Apple Watch. The iPhone is pretty much mandatory for everything except the “time” part, Apple Pay and fitness monitors.
   

2. Don’t buy the Apple Watch. While the watch features Siri integration, a lot of the voice commands lead back to the iPhone itself.
   

3. Buy the Apple Watch. You’ll be connected 24/7 via silent wrist tap notifications.
   

4. Don’t buy the Apple Watch. Staring at your wrist constantly is only slightly less obviously rude.
   

5. Buy the Apple Watch, then invite us to your superyacht. The 18k gold version retails at $10,000 and above. You’ll be rewarded with private appointments and luxury stations in certain Apple stores.
   

6. Don’t buy the Apple Watch. For the first month, everyone’s gonna want to touch it. And touch it. And touch it.
   

7. Buy the Apple Watch. Use it as a remote control for Apple TV and iTunes. Look at your photos housed in iCloud. Huddle in the lukewarm embrace of social media.
   

8. “Submerging Apple Watch is not recommended.”
   

9. Buy the Apple Watch. It’s fantastic as a step counter, calorie tracker and heart rate-monitor. And it’ll “tap” you on the wrist to get you to stand every hour. Plus it syncs flawlessly with the iPhone.

Nota bene: Are you a watch guy? Then you probably already know what you think. But just in case, here’s the one-and-only Ben Clymer on what he thinks about the Apple Watch. And don’t forget, you do have alternatives. The Olio Model One is better looking, more “watch” like and both iOS- and Android-compatible. For swimmers, the Jaybird Reign is a waterproof fitness tracker. And the handsome, Android-compatible Moto 360 is about to get an upgrade.