Weekend Warrior

Welcome to Weekend Warrior, your comprehensive weekend agenda.

Because you’ve had a rough week and the last thing you want to do is think. That’s what Monday is for. The weekend is for other stuff, like hitting the nearest trail and planning a trip to Alaska and drinking like Papa Hemingway (choice of cocktail, not volume).

And perusing some photos from the year’s biggest bikini fashion show, which happened in Miami earlier this week.

Follow our lead. We’ve got you covered.

Friday 5:00 P.M.
Punch out. Download the new episode of NPR’s Code Switch, “Black and Blue.” It’s about — you guessed it — the relationship between law enforcement and black civilians in America. And it’s important. So listen to it.

5:30 P.M.
Mix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it. If you can’t be at the annual Hemingway Days in Key West, be there in spirit (literally), by mixing up an Old Cuban made with rum endorsed by Papa’s estate.

8:00 P.M.
Head to the Apollo Theatre and see the U.S. premiere of Thrones! The Musical Parody  — the Games of Thrones musical that saw sold out runs at Edinburgh Festival Fringe in 2015. Lament you will not be watching Game of Thrones on Sunday.

11.00 P.M.
Instead of seeing that cheesy new horror flick Lights Out, watch the legitimately scary short film that inspired it. You just saved yourself $15 and 90 minutes!

11.05 P.M.
Can’t sleep? Don’t worry about it. The hilarious and underrated BoJack Horseman returns to Netflix today and you’ve got a full season of binge material ahead of you.

Saturday 7.00 A.M.
Watch a deeply and unexpectedly inspirational video about a skateboarder who fell 2,000 times trying to land the same trick. Rise from bed with a renewed lease on life.

7.15 A.M.
Listen to French electro duo Justice’s new disco-glazed tune for further inspiration.

7:30 A.M.
Go to the gym. If there’s one weekend this summer to work out indoors, it’s this one, because the weather map looks like the seventh circle of hell right now. While you’re there, definitely don’t hit on a woman. Well, unless you do it exactly like this.

9:00 A.M.
Call your favorite lady. Plan a road trip. If it’s mild weather you seek, some guy just designed a yearlong tour of North America along which the average temperature will always be 70 degrees. Oh, and if you want a fun vehicle to do it in, try this badass Siberian sidecar.

9:15 A.M.
Remember planning is hard. Enter to win a free trip to Alaska instead, ladyfriend included.

12:00 P.M.
Realizing your ladyfriend might need a new bathing suit for said trip, review some photos Miami Swim Week (for science!).

1:00 P.M.
Go pick up some fix’ns for the totally bitchin’ cookout you’re going to throw tomorrow. Read this primer on cooking for large groups first, as told by four of NYC’s premier toques.

4:00 P.M.
Get ready for date with said ladyfriend. Or the girl you met at the gym this morning. Regardless, don’t commit any of these dealbreakers that will have her running for the hills.

5:30 P.M.
Dinner? You’re checking out chef Charlie McKenna’s new Southern eatery Dixie. Order up some buttermilk biscuits and country ham. Note the companion bar 1952 ½, a 20-seat “liquorette” located at the back of the restaurant. Hit the side entrance for access. 

7:00 P.M.
Head down the street and get your sweat on at Wicker Park Fest. Tell your date they’ve got two options for live music: the folk rock ditties of the Mountain Goats, or the afrobeat rhythms of Antibalas. Choose wisely.  

11:00
Do the sex. The more the sex, the merrier, because sex releases oxytocin, which leads to less binge eating and makes you skinnier.

Sunday 8:00 A.M.
Go for a bike ride. If possible, make it a trail ride. Soon, you might be allowed to bike in our National Parks — but is that a good thing? (Also, if you need a new bike helmet, we recommend this one, because it’s smarter than a fifth grader.)

1:00 P.M.
Throw that cookout we talked about. A punch bowl of those Old Cubans is probably in order. Don’t feeling like cooking out? Then get yourself to Sausagefest.

7:00 P.M.
Rent the new-on-Blu-ray Miles Ahead, Don Cheadle’s directorial debut that follows Miles Davis through a dark, drug-addled period in the ‘70s. Remind yourself what “tortured genius” means. (Then cheer yourself up with that “lost” album he did with his former wife Betty.)

10:00 P.M.
Brain off, geek out with Kevin Smith on his new talk show … called Geeking Out.

11:00 P.M.
After a weekend of Old Cubans and cookouts, consider embarking on the 36-hour fast one Silicon Valley company swears by when you wake up tomorrow morning.